Particularly proud of this article as this is the first piece that I've been paid for. This is how it appears in the magazine:
Ring-shrinkingly loud Watford boys Lower Than Atlantis are heirs to Alkaline Trio’s gobby punk crown, but what do they make of FRONT’s golden shower?
How goes it, guys?
M: I’m not bad. Fucking hungover to be honest with you actually. I went to some crappy hardcore show in Watford last night, then into Camden.
How did your FRONT shoot go?
M: It was good. I was really sick though, and pretty stressed from the drive over. Actually, did you find a pair of trousers we left there? It had a wad of cash in it that we owed a girlfriend.
Absolutely not. Essentially you were a bunch of trouserless guys getting all wet in an April shower together?
M: Yea, we certainly loved that. Getting wet is really fun when you’re sick. You should have drawn dicks all over our faces in post-production, and some smart facial hair to make us look even cooler.
Nobody got sea-sick and puked their dirty little guts up all over the place, right?
M: Not that I know of. I could have done, but I got horny and spunked everywhere instead.
Wow. Er, moving on... you’re about to embark on a crazy-long tour. Where y’all most excited to play?
B: Italy, man! It’s not usually on the European tours, and we’ll get to see the San Siro.
M: We’re gonna try real hard to impress the effin’ hot Italian chicks out there too. We’ve decided to get some of them Bruno hotpants and run around like little children shouting “Oh Hai!”.
That’s one way to freak the piss out of the other bands you’re touring with...
M: Too right. Nah, we’re real excited to play with I Am Ghost and Eyes Set to Kill. I don’t mind having to play in front of 14-year-old boys with make-up as long as they dig our band. We’re kinda used to it really. We used to play a lot of metal gigs, like, serious kill-babies style shit. So we’re used to people not liking us.
You’ll be stuck out there for a while - what are your essential tour items?
M: Arse-less chaps, vibrators, lube, rope, and bananas for potassium.
B: To be honest, we barely bring fuck all. Wash-bags, and that’s about it.
You getting any lady-attention now that you’ve exploded onto the scene?
M: Listen, when you’re as good looking as us, you get loads of it. Actually, I had a car-crash of a bird following me around last night. I’m single and up for a laugh. Make sure you print that. Please.
Well the lady-talent in Watford sounds smashing. You describe them in one song as “fat slags who wear shit clothes” that “make you ill”...
M: Watford is full of kids pushing kids in prams. They’re dirty chavs. We were all watching some old tour footage together recently, and a chavvy little bitch walked into my house, bit me on the arm and then poured beer everywhere. When she left all her mates smashed my windows in. In the middle of the day. Fucking crackers. But you need issues to write half decent songs.
You write about personal experiences, some pretty funny, some pretty intimate. You’re going to write a song about your FRONT shoot for us, yea?
M: Erm, OK. I’ll have a think about a title and get back to you.
What will your opening line be?
M: Give me a minute...OK. “The other day we had a lot of fun at the FRONT shoot. But this interview is shit and we want to put this on mute...” I’m clearly joking mate, I like you. I’m gonna add you on Facebook right now.
You little joker. I’m guessing you’re pretty excited about April Fools then?
M: We had a massive debate at the shoot about April Fool’s. We thought about spreading the rumour that it was International Apple Juice day, and giving out cups of the stuff for free. But we’ll give one out that’s full of piss.
B: Yea, we wanna make it good. No one goes all out for April Fool’s any more. Real shame.
Finally, we don’t reckon Atlantis really exists. Kinda like Unicorns, and Ronnie Corbett. But if it does, what’ll you find down there? Crabs?
M: Crabs? Fuck, who have you been talking to...